I have been home for the entire summer, except for two weeks where I went to see my two best friends (Renae and Sami) for two weeks straight, a beautifully intricate growth experience for all three of us. Other than that, I've been up and down- every day, every week it's up in the air. Sometimes I'll feel as if i'm on top of the world, and pride rises in me like a hot air ballon, and then my heavenly Father pops it quickly, humbles me again, and starts to work on me.
But while He's working on me, I'm working on me too- and it doesn't work when there's two different directions your heading in. So~ then comes the EVERYDAY moments where I realize that I'm off balance.
Because of Indonesia, I need time to myself- to write and realize everything that's happening around me, so that I'm able to digest these things through my Heavenly Father's filter~ but then because I'm in America, I need to go out to enjoy relationships and see God through people, and show people God. Then there's the other type of off balance, when i'm acting to much like an Indonesian (all quiet time in my room, and no time with family or friends), or acting too much like my "old american self" where I was planning and progressing with promises and friendships like a fiend.
And while coming home with the idea that I will feed Jesus' sheep with what He has fed me... it seems that I'm not even to that point yet, because God is working to perfect His Son in me, so that I'll be able to clearly point to Him, through the work He did on me in Indonesia, and the work He's perfecting back here at home (my detour before I go off to college). Through this messy battle of clinging to myself and clinging to God, and figuring out how to balance Indonesia and America~ I find myself sometimes so silent I don't want to talk to Alan or so loud that I'm trying to distract me from myself.
Through these imperfections and flaws that are so blatant to me- God is ever quieting, comforting, and calming my Spirit.
The fact of 'coming home' holds something so much different than i thought it would--- God's leading me to a bigger road than i even thought in Indonesia.
He is reading Alan and I to go into battle down at IU Bloomington and He is working in us individually, but even more-so a couple- so that we are together down at IU as well, in one spirit. Amazing :) I never thought I would be part of such a beautiful, loving partnership with my boyfriend AND God.
The balance, of writing-renewing, restoring, learning with God ~~ and ~~ loving His people and raising them up, questioning them and healing their Spirits. IS SO Much more difficult to find than I thought.
But as He opened my ears and eyes yesterday, I need to recommit everyday, recommit my prayer, my fasting, my journeys, my writings, my scripture readings, to HIM. So that I am in the Word and in His People everyday. And I know there is a balance_ why else would it be so often that this problem comes up? Indonesia has hooked into me, and with God - it will not be a mystery forever.
As You pray for my journey in IU Bloomington- please pray for these first few months especially~ so that Alan and I (especially) are/am ready to battle. Because Spiritual things are already happening to pull us back from God, even as i write this- my mentality is exhaustion and tiredness that wants to stay home and not do any good for the world.
So please pray,
thank you all for your support and love through this time. and as this writing is so important to me (even if no one else reads it! :P) I will also be starting a blog during college. It will be a new one, since this is now long enough and there is so much history here, that once more- we will need to start on a clean slate.