I've had a deep black hole writer's block for this past month.
I will inform you of the two biggest things you want to know about: the new family and my activities, but for me, and if you want to read along as well, let me first let God have the table.
and tell you why my heart hasn't been able to write this past month's blogs because it knew that it was coming from an unfamiliar, dark, and ugly place. Where things that happen look negative, and good things that do happen are forgotten easily. Where only God can bring you to life, but when you forget him, it's almost impossible.
The state i've been in this last month of February has been hazardous to my perspective. It was one month, one phase, one season- where the change of new families, and the change of plans at SMA Tirta Marta seemed to stop me in my tracks.
Since the beginning of January SMA Tirta Marta 12th grade students have been studying and will continue to study until the end of April, to completely concentrate on their national test that they only have one shot at. Even a couple of my friends are being quarentined to their apartments and are not even able to come down to the lobby if not for studying. In January, it wasn't a problem because I was still finishing up my own Pre. Calculus course online (which I passed with flying colors this past February 6th), but since it's turned February and my class is over, each time I go to school, I meet tests. Practice tests. Practices books. things that I don't understand and don't want to distract them from. This past week, started the two week drill of having one full practice test a day and then going home. Question is: Why would I go to school for 3hrs. when my friends are only taking tests for 3hrs. from 7am-10am? That was the question I asked many people at the beginning of this week, the beginning of a week that felt like a numb place, where I spiritually did only the bare minimum, felt useless, and unloved.
This was not the feeling last week, where I was loving and meetin new friends, and helping my friend Ruth from church to sell her clothes at a bazaar, it was phenomenal! But I didn't blog, because I was there from 7am-6pm each day. The week before, I was honestly able to love my friends at school, since they were not studying too much, and I was at school, loving as much as possible, the week before that- I was studying and finishing my Pre.Calculus final, while unpacking in a new house, super duper busy. So truly, I was just out of commission.
But- when all of that was finally done and this past Sunday morning came around, I saw that I wouldn't be doing much of anything for the next two weeks. And the deep black holeness started.
I started to look at the screen of this blog, thinking there was nothing I could write, thinking I wasn't doing anything, and that there was no where i was helping in the world. I pulled away from everything, even God at some points.
From Sunday-Tuesday, I had to manage my way around Jakarta by taxi, transjakarta, or ojek alone. Going to see Naomi (my last sister) I learned that I weighed 151lbs., on the way fell into an honest to goodness hole trying to find a taxi, and went in the wrong direction; along with not praying or truly doing devotions or applying it.
I was negative. If I was a color, I would be black.
Because of all of this, there was no way I could write- It seemed like I was going against everything that I had said at the beginning of this voyage. Without going to school (because it wasn't necessary), or feeling like I didn't know what I was donig for the next two weeks, and feeling unhealthy~ truly messed with my emotions. The enemy got hold of me there and really dug it in that i'm on the opposite side of the world and i haven't really sat down to hang out with friends for a while in the past couple of days.
Finally, I broke down and cried.
It's hard, yes. Agreed. But- you know how it's always blackest before the best sunrise :)
This hole seemed to take 4 days to truly get out of. And my parents noticed, Alan noticed, people in Mishawaka did notice that I was barely touching anything online. I pulled all my emotions back and into myself.
And then I woke up,
and God brought me to Him. and called me beautiful. and we just started to work out :) and He gave me a day with my new mom to just love her, and TODAY.
He showed me what we're doing for the next three months.
It took some time to separate my heart from myself, to truly see him without the distractions of the beautiful house i'm living in, and through all the things that can make a person want to schedule up their life becuase they feel they're useless.
So He just woke me up- got me to run (a BEAUTIFUL start to the day!) and we had a lovefest of learning.
He took me to see the sky, and feel the wind blowing above my house, and to let Him connect the oneyeardevotional to the sermon from november that i still haven't watched.
It took a bit of perserverance that He knows I have to just stop sobbing, and change something. Like it says, He will equip you for what He has planned for you. He planned me to come here, He is using my personality. That's why i'm here.
He gave me perserverance, and because of it, I started opening back up to Him.
Today when I fully opened up again, He connected so many things and encouraged me to not give up, not find a short cut, but to COMPLETE the assignment that He has given me. To COMPLETE IT.
*this is amazing He said this, because I have been trying to decide what to do for the last 4 days, whether to join the 11th grade, or not go to school, or join billions of Rotary events*
But if i am completing the assignment that He has given me. That means I am joining the 11th grade. IPS, with Naomi (a girl from that grade and IPS). She is in my school bus home (which is one of the highlights of my day!), and God has laid her on my heart.
Being in the 11th grade will keep me in SMA Tirta Marta, the school God specifically placed me in so that I would be able to have a wider door to connect to Him and show them love, to truly strengthen them without fear, and have a safe place to go to to call my own.
Now notice, there's a bit of an interesting thing if I join 11th grade, usually the 11th and 12th graders don't get along, so God will be bridging relationships there as well :)
So these last three months that I am here in Indonesia, I am arriving in the Chicago Airport on May 21st just so your aware, God is bringing me beauty, bringing me lessons, and bringing me relationships- or giving me tons of opprtunities to build relationships, because that is why i'm here. That is my SHAPE> and He knew it :)
So, with a renewed idea: a renewed perspective: a desire to remember God is with me wherever I am so it doesn't matter what I'm doing: and a realization that I am here to connect and COMPLETE his assignment of building relationships and showing love and shining His light here in Indonesia, I stand before you. Ready to begin the month of March :) with God leading the way, God on my mind, God in my hands and feet, God on my heart; a sensitivity to opportunities, an availablitiy to people, a grateful attitude, and a FAITHFUL heart :)
to complete this :
because He has an even greater plan for my life. One that this trip to Indonesia is building up to.
Makes you think- i'm already across the entire world, how much bigger can you get!?
Great question :) I can't wait to see the answer, because God is so much bigger :)
I love you all.
thanks for reading if you did, if not- i completely understand. the rest of my untimely updates should be posted very soon!